Take care of yourself as you would for your child — the art of behavioural modelling

It’s no secret that children closely observe the world around them, with parents being one of the main objects of their assessment. For this reason, we make an effort to avoid swearing or showing aggression in front of children. In general, we stop all negative behaviour before they begin, following the motto: “not in front of the child”! And that full awareness and sensitivity to the child’s good is great!

A parent is the most trusted object of observation.

However, we often forget that no matter how safe and suitable the environment we create for our children may be, they ultimately find us to be the most reliable influence through who we are and how we behave in every aspect regardless of the time of the day. Especially when potential children cannot see or hear us, and as we know, in general, nothing escapes their attention:) There is one conclusion: Caring for the child, we must take care of ourselves because what they learn from us is the sum of our verbal messages and consciously presented behaviours, as well as how we treat ourselves, respect and care for our health.

The power of consistent massage

For instance, if we tell our child to wear a hat in cold weather while we ourselves go outside in an unbuttoned coat. Does this send a consistent message to the child? In this example, the verbal message “put on a hat” conflicts with the behaviour of a parent who models the child’s attitude to dress in cold weather:)

A behaviour role model is not selective

We are role models 24 hours a day and in every situation. Nothing works selectively here. The child has no category that lets him know when to draw role models from the environment and when not. Therefore, it is essential to be mindful at all times, realising that not only our conscious actions serve as modeling patterns, but also everything we unintentionally convey throughout the day due to tiredness, stress, or temporary rest needs.

Attitude towards digital devices and behaviour modelling

Children learn about tablets, smartphones, and laptops from the first years of life — mainly through model learning or observing our behaviour.

Modelling is a term taken from Albert Bandura’s social learning theory. It is about observing the actions of others and the effects these actions bring.

On the subject of technology, they analyse how we hold the phone, when we reach for it, how we type messages, how we move our finger on the screen and why. Our dependence on digital devices affects how children will perceive them. And here, also, nothing works selectively! It becomes challenging to limit our child’s tablet or cartoon usage during mealtimes when we ourselves sit down to dinner an hour later with our phones in hand. Similarly, if we bring our phones to the table, even if the child eats without any technology, they still perceive our main object of observation using a device while eating. These behaviours become coded and remembered, which can lead to frustration and anger during subsequent meals when we ask the child once again to eat without watching cartoons.

Less important than the enforced rules are the behavioural patterns we represent

Our verbal restrictions, orders or advice are not enough. If the verbal message is inconsistent with our behaviour and presented attitudes, we give the child reason for anger and irritation resulting from obtaining conflicting messages. Just focusing on them is not enough. If we are the victims of unhealthy use of screen devices — the child, despite the sincerest intentions and efforts, can pick up unhealthy attitudes towards digitisation. More important than what patterns of behaviour in a child we want to enforce — is what patterns we represent.

Digital devices can dull our vigilance, attention and commitment

Using devices can lead us to a state of dullness regardless of age. Such impact of devices is also noticed among children. When children observe our lack of reaction or distracted attention while using devices, they may interpret it as a reflection of their worth. Questions may arise: Why doesn’t my mother react when I call her to see my construction? Why is my dad talking so strangely and answering in a pointless manner? Constant being online is tiring for our brains. Slow thinking processes, irritability, and a sense of drowsiness — often accompany us when we break away from browsing the phone for a long time. A parent who is absent or whose attention is diverted from a child is disturbed by other activities may thus give a clear message that there is something more important than them. This can have a detrimental effect on the child’s self-esteem and the sense of importance they place on their relationships with those important to them.

Perhaps the previous description is slightly exaggerated. The truth is that is it is challenging to remain and active and responsive to external stimuli when we are absorbed in content presented selectively through advanced algorithms designed to capture our attention. Without being aware of these processes, it’s easy for us to unknowingly succumb to their influence.

Take home message!

When spending time with your child, it’s best to reduce the time in front of the screen to a minimum. And if we’ve just stepped away from the screen, let’s take a moment to think whether we’re going to play with our child in a state of complete attentiveness or overstimulation.

If it’s the latter — let’s be especially careful so that the child doesn’t experience indifference or lack of involvement on our part.

---

APA recommendation:

1. For children under 18 months of age, avoid sharing screen devices for purposes other than video calls.
2. Parents of children aged 18–24 months who choose to use screen devices should opt for high-quality content and watch it with the child to help them understand what they see.
3. Children aged 2–5 should be restricted to screen contact for up to an hour a day and choose proven and valuable content. Parents should watch content online with their children to help them understand what they see and how it relates to the surrounding world.
4. Children aged 6 years or above should have consistently set time limits for using electronic media and ensure that media use does not affect sleep and physical activity.
5. It is recommended to set media-free times, such as meals or driving, as well as places in the house free of media, e.g. bedrooms (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2016)